Can someone read part of my story (in the question) and tell me what you think?

I am 13 and I plan to be either a journalist or a musician. Please be honest!





Brenda took in a long breath of fresh air from the balcony at the top of her house. She turned around and walked slowly into the bedroom she was given to change into. She sighed. This was supposed to be the day that would be the happiest day of her life. It was her wedding day. She wanted to walk down the flower filled aisle, staring at the man she loved. This was not her magical day; it was her worst nightmare. She walked over to the life size mirror and stared at herself.


"Wed to the man I hate on my arranged marriage." She told herself. She was born into a family that were slaves to the snobbiest people in all of California. The Duncans. She was arranged to marry the Duncans son, Aaron. He was the most stuck-up little brat she knew. Yet, she had her whole life ahead of her. All of it was crushed. She was doomed to a false marriage.


Tell me what you think of it! I have other stories too! Thanks! :D

Can someone read part of my story (in the question) and tell me what you think?
I really like it. You capture my attention and made me picture the scene. Keep writing. I hope I can see more of your story.
Reply:you need to elaborate and describe in a more descreet way. Everything you say is straight up. oh, she was born into the slave family for the duncans... no one knows who the duncans are; why does she have to marry him. what does the bathroom; the weddinghall, herself, her husband look like.





sorry, i sound so mean; but DESCRIBE!!!





~gabrielle
Reply:It's not so bad. you did a pretty good job at grabbing my attention and keeping it. Work on your sentences though. You have too many that begin with 'She-' and it makes the whole thing a bit blocky. Try to be more creative with your sentence structure, something as simple as saying 'As she stared into the mirror at her reflection, she murmured quietly to herself..." is enough to make the whole paragraph flow better.





And since this is only a little excerpt into your story it's okay that we don't know who the Duncans are or anything, these are only two paragraphs...
Reply:First of all, the balcony at the top of her house. Where else would a balcony be but on the top floor? Seems redundant.





Flower-filled has a hypen.





Awkward quote, needs rewording. "Wed to the man I hate on my arranged marriage." (seems like it should be a question)





Snobby, stuck-up, brat, getting redundant again
Reply:really good!!!


keep writing!
Reply:I like it. I do think you have talent, because as I read I began to invision the whole thing. The only thing I would change is the word "snobbiest" and the expression "stuck up brat". The story sounds like a "classic", but those expressions don't fit into the story. Excellent.
Reply:too many "she did this, she did that" %26lt;%26lt; that makes it boring.





If you're gutsy enough and plan to finish works, fictionpress.com is great for getting good feedback... but don't put up anything you want to publish.
Reply:I like it although you'll need to work on grammar and style a bit more. Still, it's really good! I really want to keep reading this story and any others you might have.


good job and good luck!
Reply:For your age, it's a very good start. There are a few grammatical and phrasing errors, but you do inspire interest in the rest of the story. Don't forget to establish the "when" (slaves in California) more clearly. Also, as an example, "room she was given to change into" is a bit clumsy. How about "room given to her in which to change". A question does come to mind - if it's her house, why did she have to be "given" a room?





It you want to discuss this more, you can reach me at daddytojen@aol.com
Reply:You tend to ramble,but,with more practice you will get better.
Reply:i like it...although it seems sad...