(another one of these) Will you read/criticize my college application essay?

I'm applying to Oberlin, Smith, Dickinson, Bryn Mawr, Occidental, and Grinnell, and my essay needs work. Will you proofread it for me?





email me at naybubs3@yahoo.com





Here's the first bit of it (arg. embarrassing)





I had waited impatiently for nearly an hour while the thick, warm aroma saturated the air. Finally it was done. The heat from the oven escaped, and I was able to retrieve the hot crumpled aluminum. I heard the faint sizzling inside and unwrapped the package carefully, barely touching it, my fingertips jumping away so as not to get burned. The cloves of garlic, arranged like a flower, were perfect: brown in places, and glistening yellow with olive oil. I pulled out a soft, mushy clove with a fork, and mashed it onto a piece of a baguette. It was sweet, mellow, rich, and satisfying. I became absorbed in the food, and had finished savoring the entire clove within a few minutes. It was worth the wait.


I have always been happy in the kitchen.

(another one of these) Will you read/criticize my college application essay?
I am a philosophy major, and believe me when I say I write alot of papers, and notice how much "I" am using I. Try to write an interesting paper that is not littered with "I's" email me at perfectworlddistorted@yahoo.com with anything you want me to proofread.





Philo = love of


Sophia = wisdom





PHILOSOPHIA = love of wisdom
Reply:A hair bit too many drescriptions but I would only omit two or three adjectives. but other than that, beautiful. I was completely encaptured in it. Keep Writing! We need more of you great writers!
Reply:First what's the topic? you give great description but you have some minor grammatical errors that need fixing. you shouldn't be embarrassed by your writing at all. would love to see more.





future english teacher here
Reply:EXCELLENT intro it gets reader attentition as to what is you are talking about. Good details,-%26gt;glistening yellow with olive oil.... cupcake364@hotmail.com
Reply:Are you writing a story or a college level essay? What is the topic supposed to be? For an essay, your last sentence should be your first.
Reply:That reads pretty good, wish there was more.
Reply:I had waited impatiently for nearly an hour while the thick, warm aroma saturated the air. Finally %26lt;use a comma after introductory elements, transitional expressions, and independent comments-items that come before the subject and verb of the main clause. %26gt;[Finally] %26gt; %26lt;%26lt;Add a comma here%26lt;%26lt; it [it] Avoid vague pronoun references. Pronouns should refer to one specific element in the sentence (the antecedent) and not be confused with another element—was done. The heat from the oven escaped, and I was able to retrieve the hot crumpled aluminum. I heard the faint sizzling inside and unwrapped the package carefully, barely touching it, my fingertips jumping [Check your facts/logic here; from this reader’s limited knowledge, this seems unbelievable. Aim for clarity and exact simplicity.] away so as not to get [get] eliminate forms of get in academic writing--strive for conciseness burned%26lt;vague, missing/wrong word[s], or awkward phrasing—please read the sentence aloud and rewrite for greater clarity. . The cloves of garlic, arranged like %26lt;%26lt;[like]--is a preposition, so it cannot introduce a full clause. Instead, use [that], [as], [as if], or [, such as]. --Make certain that the words are precise in meaning a flower, were perfect: brown in places, %26lt;Remove the comma%26lt;here, what precedes the comma is not a series of three or more AND what follows the conjunction is not a complete sentence [subject and verb]. Use a comma before a conjunction in a series of three or more items or when a conjunction separates two independent clauses. and glistening yellow with olive oil. I pulled out a soft, mushy clove with a fork, %26lt;%26lt;Eliminate commas where they are not specifically required. and mashed it onto a piece of a baguette. It [It%26lt;%26lt;Avoid vague pronoun references that cause the reader/grader to backtrack for understanding--add the actual subject for clarity%26lt;] was sweet, mellow, rich, and satisfying. I became absorbed %26lt;%26lt;[Check usage of this word or phrase. Did you use it correctly, or is there another formal word or phrase that you can use instead? in the food, %26lt;%26lt;Eliminate commas where they are not specifically required. and had finished savoring the entire clove within a few minutes. It [It%26lt;%26lt;Avoid vague pronoun references that cause the reader/grader to backtrack for understanding--add the actual subject for clarity%26lt;] was worth the wait.


I have always been happy in the kitchen. Beware of overly long or overly short paragraphs. An effective paragraph develops one central idea.
Reply:It was lovely! Flawless!

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